I Don’t Mean That

If I were honest you would find dark secrets here but I am a coward. I lie to myself and others. I concern myself for you, for your feelings.  So I write trite, the sky is blue,  birds are words, the sea is white froth… not a place to wade in heavy boots past  where your feet slip from beneath and the rush of salt  stings your nose and throat and screams fill your brain but not the air. I don’t mean that. The sun is hot even in November on my perfect beach where a few sea gulls squawk above my shaded eyes , black angles against the sky. I have brought with me a book, something by Tennessee Williams whose writing I abhor but its corner was leaning out as I passed the bookcase, Sweet Bird of Youth. You are not likely to find the truth here.

It was late in the day. The sun was setting. I received the news, it was empathic and concise. I admired the perfect English. I went down to the shore past the houses and scattered surfers lingering in the last light of day. A haze blanketed the shore ahead of me. It moved out to sea as I approached as though to escape my arrival. I raced toward it intent on vanishing beneath its gray veil. I am sure it began to rain; globules of salty sea ran down my face leaking into my mouth as I gasped for breath that tore upward from my belly, jagged edges ripping through my lungs. My legs grew numb and I sank down on the sand behind the old seafood restaurant that never reopened. I could hear the wails carried out on the wind to the ocean and I covered my ears. Oh, the sound of that pathetic creature, guttural cries mutating to a howl, feral and terrifying. That unearthly scream streamed out across the sea until I could no longer feel it. I sat frozen, waiting for it to dissolve into the deep. After a while it reduced to a whimper and then silence. I  walked the shore line home .


71 thoughts on “I Don’t Mean That

  1. Pingback: ❤️ – A – 🔥- I Don’t Mean That | ' Ace Friends News '

  2. I don’t usually read a solid chunk of writing—harder for my eyes to follow it—but I’ll do nearly anything for you…you (I hope) know that. So many people here would love to hug and kiss you in friendship—yes, including me– I was at a wedding…and things got so anguished with me that I went outside (or was it the Sunday AFTER the wedding—that’s it!)…and moved several stone walls over, read a certain passage of my Bible…and started howling. {Psalm 37:4..or Psalm 27:4…delight in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart} I have been there…I think.

    Liked by 1 person


    The man began to howl,

    With no kiss for his jowl…

    Assistant Pastor

    Got there faster

    Than the snap of a wet towel!

    A wedding the man attended,

    His emotions upended…

    Those bridesmaids in line

    Caused his pine,

    Aware that he had no intended.

    The service that Sunday interrupted

    By emotions kept and erupted…

    It took time

    For cries to unwind,

    And counseling time adopted!

    –Jonathan Caswell

    (Dedicated to a valued poet friend of mine!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: I Don’t Mean That | ' Ace Friends News '

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